Life as a Christian Woman

The experience of domestic abuse is not bound by religious beliefs, or a lack thereof. Christian women are subject to the same whims of violent men as their secular counterparts, but their options for coping with it are often limited by the views of the church. Divorce is forbidden, or at very least severely discouraged. Submission is expected. If the abuser is also a member of the church, silence by both spouses is strongly encouraged lest it cause a rift in the congregation. Prominent evangelical pastors counsel women to leave while the heat is on, then go back. These men also often add, “and avoid doing anything to make him angry.” So what do Christian women think about dealing with domestic abuse? From a United Methodist clergywoman, a devout Catholic, and others, some things are clear: You do not and will never have to deal with abuse alone — silence only encourages the sin of violence; the church has a responsibility to provide a safe haven for the wife and guidance for the husband; your life has a meaning, a purpose, and is precious to God — no man should be allowed to take away God’s creation; no matter what the church preaches, God will never ask you to repeatedly endanger your life — He has the power to change a man’s heart, but you do not.

The first entry comes from a United Methodist clergywoman. Her name and church have been withheld by request:

As a newlywed and as a United Methodist clergywoman, I struggle to see how domestic violence can be tolerated in a Christian marriage. I understand Christian marriage to be a covenant between the couple and God, and the couple agrees to love and to cherish one another just as God loves and cherishes us. In a Christian marriage, there is mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual commitment. Ephesians 5:28-30 states that “husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body” (NRSV). Spouses, and particularly in this passage husbands, are called to treat one another with the same respect and love that they treat their own bodies; they are called to not abuse or harm one another in any way. Moreover, Colossians 3:19 charges husbands to “love [their] wives and never threat them harshly” (NRSV). Although both the Ephesians and Colossians passages typically have been used to emphasize the submissive role of the wife, they also highlight the importance of the husband loving and cherishing the wife and protecting her from abuse and harm. Marriage, indeed, involves mutual love, respect, and commitment; abuse and violence violate this covenant.

As a United Methodist clergywoman, I affirm the beliefs of the Social Principles of the United Methodist Church regarding marriage and domestic violence. The Social Principles describes the sanctity of the marriage covenant that is “expressed in love, mutual support, personal commitment, and shared fidelity between a man and a woman.” The Social Principles goes on to state that “family violence and abuse in all its forms…is detrimental to the covenant of the human community.” Domestic violence is wrong, as it violates the covenant of marriage as well as God’s commandment that we love God with all our being and to love our neighbor as ourselves. When faced with a situation of domestic violence, the Social Principles encourages the local United Methodist Churches to provide “a safe environment, counsel, and support for the victim,” to “deplore the actions of the abuser,” and to “affirm [the abuser] to be in need of God’s redeeming love.” I interpret this statement to mean that the role of the church in domestic violence is to condemn the violence and abuse, to show love and support the victim of the abuse, and to help the abuser to repent and to overcome the sin of abused. I do not believe these principles call for the church to encourage abused spouses to remain in an unsafe home and environment or to tolerate the abuse.

In short, I understand Christian marriage to be a covenant whereby two people affirm before God their commitment to love, to respect, and to cherish one another in all of life’s circumstances. With God’s help, the couple promises to love another just as God loves us. Domestic violence is a violation of this covenant and should not be tolerated in a Christian marriage. It is the role of the church to provide a safe and loving environment for the victim of the abuse and to help the abuser see the wrong in his/her actions and to seek repentance and help for what he/she has done.

Tiffany Sanders is a devout Catholic who has experience working with battered women.

Hard Answers to Hard Questions: Domestic Violence in Christian Marriage

by Tiffany Sanders, J.D.
www.CatholicInside.blogspot.com
TLSanders@gmail.com

Solutions to the problem of domestic violence in Christian marriage are hindered primarily by oversimplification. For many Christian ministers, the analysis begins and ends with the indissolubility of marriage and Ephesians 5:21. For many victims’ advocates, the obligation to submit to one’s husband—and perhaps to the marriage itself—disappears when he becomes abusive.

Each position inspires anger, frustration, and disdain in the “other side”, further dividing those whose goals should be one and the same. That frustration is inevitable, because each “side” fails to recognize indisputable truths.

Obedience is Not Without Limits

On the one hand, it is clear that the obligation to obedience is not without limits. What minister would exhort a Christian woman to steal or commit adultery or murder because her husband had so instructed her? I have never heard it suggested that a wife’s submission should extend to her cooperation in sin. Never, that is, except in the context of domestic violence.

Human life is precious, and we have an obligation to protect it—even our own. The Catechism of the Catholic Church explicitly spells out a duty of concern and respect for our own health in ¶ 2288, which reads in part: Life and physical health are precious gifts entrusted to us by God. We must take reasonable care of them, taking into account the needs of others and the common good.

The Conflict of Laws

What, then, when the duty of submission to one’s husband runs up against the duty to protect human life and health? I’ve been unable to find an explicit answer, either in the Bible or the Catechism, but a strong parallel could be drawn between the submission of wife to husband and the submission of a subject to legitimate government authority. On this point, the Catechism is clear, stating affirmatively that “[t]he citizen is obliged in conscience not to follow the directives of civil authorities when they are contrary to the demands of the moral order, to the fundamental rights of persons or the teachings of the gospel.” (¶ 2242) This obligation has its roots in Acts 5:29, wherein Peter and the apostles state directly, “We must obey God rather than men.” This does not contradict the exhortations in both the Bible and the Catechism to respect and obey legitimate authority, but makes it clear that when God’s mandates are challenged by that authority, it is God’s law that takes precedence.

A woman must not, then, risk her life or serious injury in submission to her husband. It violates a higher duty to protect human life and welfare, and it cooperates in her husband’s sin. Many ministers, in fact, agree up to this point. Many agree that a woman must flee to protect herself, but must “return and submit” when the danger has passed.

When, Exactly, Has the Danger “Passed”?

This ignores a fundamental reality of domestic violence: the danger does not pass. A woman who calls the police for help in a moment of crisis can usually expect to pay for that call when she returns home, whether it’s an hour or a day or a week later. The dynamic of an abusive relationship is one in which there is never a moment of safety, in which even the most careful, most observant, most vigilant of victims can be blindsided at any moment. Something she does inadvertently might be the trigger. Something that happened outside and she doesn’t know about might be the trigger. Something her husband imagined might be the trigger. The moment when it’s “safe” to “return and submit”, if it comes at all, comes after long hard work with a minister or counselor or anger management program.

It’s clear that a woman has not only a right but an obligation to protect herself from physical harm, and that protecting herself requires more than simply getting out of the house for an hour to let her husband cool down. But what, exactly, does it require, and how is that consistent with God’s law?

Does Abuse Negate Male Headship?

The idea that a man’s position as head of the Christian household dries up and disappears if he becomes abusive makes a lot of sense from a practical, secular perspective, but there isn’t any scriptural support for it. And, in fact, the idea that a man is only the head of a Christian household so long as all of his decisions are good ones invalidates the very concept. First, no man is without sin, and so if only the perfect man were qualified to lead his wife and family, there would be no leadership. There is, you may say, a lot of ground between “perfect” and “abusive”. And, indeed, there is. But where is the line, exactly? How would we identify the man who was just barely qualified to lead his household and separate him from the man who was just across the line into “too sinful” territory? Just as important, if a woman can and must analyze every decision to decide whether it is one she considers correct and obey only those she agrees with, the concept of obedience has disappeared entirely.

The Catechism, in setting forth the mandate to disregard the directives of civil authorities that are contrary to the moral order, did not suggest that all obedience to that authority could be cast aside. Rather, it says: When citizens are under the oppression of a public authority which oversteps its competence, they should still not refuse to give or to do what is objectively demanded of them by the common good; but it is legitimate for them to defend their own rights and those of their fellow citizens against the abuse of this authority within the limits of the natural law and the Law of the Gospel. (¶ 2242) Thus, while it’s clear that a woman must not submit to abuse, it is equally clear that abuse does not automatically invalidate the structure of the marital relationship set forth in scripture.

Separation and Divorce - Does Abuse Negate the Marriage Vows?

It is scarcely necessary to quote scripture regarding the possibility of divorce. Matthew 19:6 and Luke 16:18 are just two among the many clear statements regarding not only the unacceptability of divorce, but the impossibility of true divorce: What God has joined together remains joined, regardless of the actions of man.

Still, it is clear that sometimes temporary separation is necessary to protect the health and safety of the victim of domestic abuse. The Catechism explicitly acknowledges that, while marriage is indissoluble, “there are some situations in which living together becomes practically impossible for a variety of reasons. In such cases, the Church permits the physical separation of the couple and their living apart.” (¶ 1649) While the spouses “do not cease to be husband and wife”, there are circumstances serious enough to warrant this physical division. Note, however, that the language clearly specifies a physical separation. The parties remain husband and wife, which means much more than that they are “not free to contract a new union”.

The obligations of marriage continue, to whatever extent is practicable without jeopardizing safety. It is important to note, however, that a civil divorce is not necessarily interchangeable with the Biblical use of the word “divorce”, and that in those circumstances wherein separation is necessary, there may be compelling reasons for a secular divorce. That “divorce” has no effect on the relationship of the spouses before God, and does not relieve them of the obligations of fidelity, prayer and mutual support, to the degree that they can be carried out safely. Prayer and fidelity are, of course, always possible.

Counseling in domestic violence situations is most successful when it occurs over a period of several months with the couple living apart. There’s nothing contradictory to Christian principles in that; the couple is still valuing and working on strengthening their marriage and acknowledging the permanent bond between them while working toward a mutual goal of living out a marriage that more closely resembles God’s original design. It is in this context that a minister can provide the greatest service to both parties, by being the voice of authority that steers the couple toward safe and effective intervention.

Many a minister has spoken quite firmly to a victim of domestic violence about her obligation of submission, but far fewer seem to take the accompanying step of speaking firmly with her husband about his obligations, especially those set forth in Ephesians 5:25-30.

So Where Does that Leave a Christian Victim of Domestic Violence?

Paradoxically, the oversimplification of the issues has led to a view of domestic violence within Christian marriage as much more complex and confounding a problem than it has to be. The fundamentals are clear and not necessarily contradictory:

• A valid marriage is not negated by domestic violence—even when a couple is forced to separate for safety reasons, the obligations of marriage continue
• A woman has an obligation to protect her own life and health as she would anyone else’s
• That protection cannot occur effectively by fleeing in a crisis and returning when the coast looks clear—it requires hard work and long-term solutions

The greatest conflict, it seems, arises from the tendency to look at one piece of scripture in isolation. One “side” wants to assert that marriage is forever and the man is the head of his household. The other insists that a woman has a right and an obligation to protect herself, and headship does not give a man the right to abuse his wife.

That’s all true. No conflict required. Solid Christian principles set forth a clear path to honoring the marriage in its fundamentals and rebuilding to whatever extent is possible without accepting or implicitly sanctioning abuse.

Anonymous presents >TARGETING DOMESTIC ABUSE -”EDUCATIONAL BLOG”: angerarchive: A Biblical View of verbal abuse posted at >TARGETING DOMESTIC ABUSE BLOG.

Tracee Sioux presents >Battered Women, Time To Leave posted at >So Sioux Me, saying, “Jesus came to liberate us from bondage - that INCLUDES liberating women from abusive marriages.”

For a blog devoted entirely to the issue of abuse, visit Emotional Abuse and Your Faith, “Collection of Articles, Video, and audio I have found on Emotional and Verbal Abuse. I have been searching for ones that are geared towards the faith based prospective. It is not just towards one but many faiths. Links have been included with articles to those websites. The non-link ones will be authored by this website, or will let you know of source. Comment section to web author on bottom.”

Finally, don’t forget to join us here at Life as a Christian Woman on August 28, 2007. Jocelyn Andersen, author of Woman Submit! Christians and Domestic Violence, will be our guest and will answer questions and comments about her book and her experiences throughout the day.

I plan to continue vising this important issue from time to time, so feel free to continue sending in your thoughts, questions, or reactions. If you know of any other resources for Christian women dealing with abuse, please send in those, too. You can leave a comment on any post or use the “contact me” link on the right to e-mail me.

christian, christian women, domestic violence, abuse, christian women abuse, religion, faith