Author Jocelyn Andersen’s Opening Statement Concerning “Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence”
Thank you, April, for allowing me to join you on your blog. I’m hoping we can have lots of input from your readers, and that during the discussion, someone will find words of encouragement that will help them navigate their own situation or become a source of real inspiration and support to someone else.
The issue of domestic violence among Christians is an emotionally charged subject, fraught with conflicting convictions and opinions. My stance begins and ends with the conviction that the Bible teaches that life should be chosen over any possibility, however remotely, of being theologically incorrect.
I believe in God. I have chosen to place my faith and eternal destiny in the hands of his risen son, Jesus Christ. My relationship with my Savior is the most important relationship in my life. In my own life and practice, I hold the Word of God in the highest esteem. Without qualification, I believe the Bible is God breathed. And I believe every word it says.
But I also recognize that my understanding and interpretations of certain biblical passages concerning roles between husbands and wives are simply theology.
So are everyone else’s, as the Bible does not speak as plainly on the subject as some are convinced it does, but rather invites thoughtful study and gives plenty of latitude for husbands and wives to stay within biblical bounds concerning their marriage relationship without being forced into the more traditional roles if that is not what they both choose to do.
If any of us are ever called upon to choose between a woman’s life and well being over our own, possibly faulty, theology concerning sex-roles within marriage, then we had better choose the life.
Life, is always more important than theology.
Without fail, in every interview I grant, I am asked about the doctrine of submission and how I feel it may relate to abuse and domestic violence within Christian marriages. The subject is a veritable powder keg. Anyone who broaches the subject with an untraditional view is practically begging for an explosion, but I will volunteer to strike the match today.
I see wifely submission as the Holy Grail of many evangelical leaders and husbands. Wives and husbands are frequently assured, by their spiritual leaders, that if the wife will submit properly to her husband, then most problems within the marriage will magically disappear.
This solution is like searching for the Holy Grail. The Grail cannot be found. Even if a wife may adopt, or is coerced through scripture abuse into adopting a subordinate role in the relationship to that of her husband’s, the wife can never submit enough.
This approach to dealing with marital discord can and does lead to violence and even death when paired with a man who has anger issues and violent tendencies. Studies have shown that submissive behavior in battered wives, does not deflect violence at all, but rather seems to exacerbate it.
I have personally spoken with pastors who espouse such a strict view of wifely submission, they blame wives for their husband’s violent behavior. In varying degrees, this is not an uncommon attitude among evangelical pastors. In some congregations, wives are subjected to church discipline when they begin to take responsibility for their own safety and well-being.
I received an email from a woman who recently divorced (only a few years ago). She shared that although her church leaders were aware that she was being battered, no church discipline was undertaken on the part of her church leadership against her violent husband. However, she was immediately placed under church discipline when she finally divorced him for beating her.
I was fortunate to have a supportive pastor when I divorced my violent husband. But during the years prior to that time, I found there was no escaping what I call the “church sanctioned oppression” most abused, church-going, Christian wives are usually required to endure–either overtly through the situation being ignored as they are instructed to stay and submit to the abuse, or covertly by being forced to deal with poorly concealed negative attitudes towards her for being married to an abusive man to begin with.
Along with multitudes of other abused wives, Christian or otherwise, I found myself withdrawing into silence and even beginning to shy away from developing new relationships due to the contempt and shame I experienced whenever someone rejected my friendship because of the abuse or became disgusted with me for not leaving the marriage.
The good news is, that with God, all things are possible.
When it became apparent that my husband was not going to seek help or change, wisdom entered into my heart and knowledge became pleasant to my soul, and God was more than able, at that time, to deliver me from the relationship–not only physically but emotionally as well.
We are challenged in the Bible to take responsibility for our own safety and eventual deliverance from the oppression of violence and abuse. At the same time, I know that we cannot do it ourselves, or, as a formerly battered friend so aptly phrased it, we would have gotten out the first time we were battered.
This opening statement leaves a great deal unsaid and by no means even comes close to dealing with the subject in depth. But it is my hope that we can round out the discussion during our time of questions and comments today.
April, thanks again for allowing me to visit your blog.
~~jocelyn andersen
Available now at www.Amazon.com or a bookstore near you
Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence
A Book That Could Save Lives
http://WomanSubmit.net
August 28th, 2007 at 8:21 am
I want to start us off by welcoming Ms. Andersen. Thank you so much for allowing God to lead you into this ministry! So many women suffer in silence for a lot of reasons. One thing that I come across frequently is women who don’t even think of themselves as being battered wives, or who don’t consider their situation abusive. Did you know from the first sign of violence that you were being abused, or was there one incident that suddenly made you realize you were being mistreated?
August 28th, 2007 at 8:50 am
[...] the author of “Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence.” She is appearing on Life as a Christian Woman today to talk about her book and answer questions and comments from readers. She is a domestic abuse [...]
August 28th, 2007 at 9:38 am
I was close to forty years old when I became involved in an abusive relationship (the physical violence did not begin until after we were married), and I was one of those women who did not, at first, recognize the signs of abuse or potential abuse. That did not happen until after we were engaged to be married.
When it was finally brought to my attention, I was shocked to find that my fiancé was behaving abusively. Even then (because I loved him) I minimized what I was experiencing, and because he was a professing Christian, I believed the abusive behavior had to be something temporary and would stop. I put on my rose-colored glasses and did not end the relationship.
At the time, I was not aware of the awful fact that abusers rarely change, Christian or otherwise–or that abuse, like any other sinful stronghold, is progressive. In one fashion or another, it tends to become worse as time passes–not better.
Actual violence, -Vs- abuse without physical violence, is quite easy to identify. But as I stated earlier, the physical violence did not begin until after the wedding had taken place. That set up an entirely new set of dynamics–now he was my husband.
People seem to have rigidly fixed concepts as to what constitutes a battered woman. I know I did. And because my situation did not fit the stereotype I had accepted, even after the physical violence began in my marriage, I did not see myself as a battered wife.
But acknowledging that the abuse and violence is taking place is always the first step in dealing with the reality of it. What comes next, is finding the spiritual and emotional resources to actually do something about it.
August 28th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
I’ve noticed it’s so easy for those not in abusive situations to place blame. Especially church leaders. My sister was abused by her ex. He was so abusive he used a chain saw on her body. Thankfully, she survived and divorced him. When she tried to get an order of protection against him, the magistrate in her area said, “If he really is abusive, why didn’t you ‘just’ leave?”
I think many church leaders want to sweep abuse under the rug because they feel it ‘reflects badly’ on the church, especially if the abuser is one of them.
I think your book is one that has been needed for a long time.
Thank you for having the strength and courage to step out of the shadows and bring a spotlight onto abuse in Christian circles.
August 28th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
[...] 28, 2007 Today Life as a Christian woman is talking to Author Jocelyn Andersen about Domestic Violence in a Christian home and her book [...]
August 28th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
[...] Violence Doesn’t Have To Happen by Catherine Neal Today Life as a Christian woman is talking to Author Jocelyn Andersen about Domestic Violence in a Christian home and her book [...]
August 28th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
“Why didn’t you ‘just’ leave?”
That is another question I get asked by almost every person who interviews me. That attitude, an attitude I once held myself, is one of the things I am trying, with God’s help, to combat with my book.
I understand perfectly how difficult it is to comprehend the “why” of things from a non-victim’s point of view. I can only pray that some level of compassion will arise in the hearts of those who battered women will turn to for support.
I also understand what your sister went through, and without excusing him, because there is no excuse for such a callous remark, I understand a little of where the magistrate was coming from as well. Because when I applied for a restraining order after the last attack (described in the first chapter of my book), the judge denied it. The reason stated for the denial was they needed more evidence.
But I knew that the real reason the injunction was denied was because I had refused a restraining order that was offered to me by that same judge on a previous occasion, and the judge was disgusted with me and was exacting his revenge.
A hearing was scheduled for several weeks away which, out of utter humiliation, I refused to attend. Instead I sent in a victim’s advocate who told the judge exactly why I was not at the hearing and that he could keep his restraining order. I no longer wanted it. I was essentially cutting off my nose to spite my face.
The image on the front of my book is a police evidence photo of my hands. Another police photo is on the back cover. Those police photos were submitted to this judge with the request for the restraining order that was denied.
There was no lack of evidence for me to have been granted the injunction when I first requested it. But I had already been through all I could stand at the moment and was not going to subject myself any more humiliation (one of the Dr.’s at the emergency room asked me what was wrong with me that I married someone like that)–not even to obtain protection that I desperately needed at the time.
Oh my, Maggie, That story about your sister has really set me off. I am positively venting. But I am so happy to hear she survived the chain saw[??!!] attack and got out of the situation. I can tell you have been a supportive sister, and I know it is not an easy thing being a support to a battered woman.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
As one reader so aptly pointed out:
>>Encouragement to eat food so that you will gain weight is a form of abuse and Domestic Violence. I was involved with a man that had my mind so messed up that I thought if I was a “Supersized BBW” he would love me more.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
As someone who luckily got out early, before anything physical began to happen, I can definitely relate to people saying “why don’t you just leave?”…by the time I recognized that I was in an abusive kind of relationship, my perspective on myself was so warped by him that I didn’t believe I could have anything better. When times were good, they were GOOD, so when times were bad (aka, abusive), it was easy for him to say “but look at this time and this time and this time…you’ll never find something that special with anyone else”
Good times does not justify abuse.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
>>When times were good, they were GOOD, so when times were bad (aka, abusive), it was easy for him to say “but look at this time and this time and this time…you’ll never find something that special with anyone else”
August 28th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
It honestly angers me on how the church deals with Domestic Violence. I have a friend not realize that she was being abused till he was put in jail.
Both she and the pastor knew he was smoking crack around the daughter, had to beg to go to church, rarely got to take the kids to the grandparents house, and never had people over for company.
The church did nothing but tell my friend that if she went to church and prayed that he would change.
August 28th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I would like to chime in briefly here. Catherine said, “The church did nothing but tell my friend that if she went to church and prayed that he would change.” The power of prayer is real and true. But God does not ask us to forego help where it is offered, either. If you were hanging by your fingers from a cliff, you wouldn’t intentionally let go and pray for God not to let you hit the bottom. You would strain and fight to reach the top, praying while you do it. Yes, God can change people. But He also allows free will. An abusive spouse could very well choose to kill you before choosing to follow the urging of the Holy Spirit.
August 28th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
>>The church did nothing but tell my friend that if she went to church and prayed that he would change.
August 30th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Jocelyn and I have corresponded over the past year because I too am a writer. Our marital situations are worlds apart, and I thank God for that.
The one thing that comes to mind when reading her post here is, “You err because you know not the Scripture.” Jesus is talking to the Sadducees, who were trying to get Him to take a stand on who a woman would be married to in Heaven if she was the wife of seven different brothers (one at a time after her then husband died). The reason I say this is because there IS Scriptural doctrine that defines “submission” as taught by Jesus and the apostle Paul. Most like to turn to Paul who says that women must submit to their husbands for they are a godly covering over them. They forget to read the following passages which direct the men to love their wives as Christ loves the church. When a woman is submitting to her husband, but her husband is not submitting to God, then she is free, no, she is commanded, to shift her submission to God. This is where many church leaders have fallen into the “Shepherding” movement, where the woman is to submit PERIOD. This is not only dangerous, but wrong. I can think of all kinds of scenarios that church leaders would approve of that would, in reality, be acts of sin on the part of the woman IF SHE DID SUBMIT. Women who are abused need to find their shelter in Jesus and get away from their abusers, whether they be thugs on the street or their own husbands. And if their pastors condone the abuse in the home, they need to find a different church, one that teaches what God says in His Word.
August 30th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
>>When a woman is submitting to her husband, but her husband is not submitting to God, then she is free, no, she is commanded, to shift her submission to God.
October 1st, 2007 at 8:03 am
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October 1st, 2007 at 7:30 pm
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