The Church’s Responsibility to Domestic Abusers
Domestic violence occurs in Christian homes just as it does in the homes of non-believers. Christian women are at times beaten into submission, with their attacker misusing the Bible to justify their own evil. The church has an obligation to provide a safe environment for victims and to help a woman realize her true potential as a beloved child of God. But domestic violence is not just a woman’s issue; it is a family issue. Just as the woman needs the help of the church, so does her abuser.
Many men who violate their wives and families are third or fourth generation abusers/victims themselves. Their lack of respect for women is a learned behavior they inherited by watching their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, or other male influences. They may have watched their own mothers being abused. They saw the power that their own fathers or stepfathers wielded, and grew to believe that was man’s right. For these multigenerational abusers, being a “real man” equates with subduing his woman with whatever means necessary. The behavior is not about sex or a warped sense of love; it is about absolute control.
I have had the priviledge of speaking with Pastor JR Thicklin of Destiny by Choice in West Palm Beach, FL. Pastor Thicklin and I have exchanged phone calls since I first hosted the blog carnival Abuse Through the Eyes of Christian Women. His organization is a great resource for victims, violators, and churches alike. He and his team travel around helping churches develop plans for dealing with domestic violence within the congregation. And Pastor Thicklin and I agree on the point I am making here: our responsibility does not end with the victim. If we are truly to make a difference for the one in four women who have been abused, we must offer help to the abuser as well.
The church’s role does not include protecting the male from the justice system. The laws and the legal system provide a means of helping to ensure a victim remains safe (although I will grant that they fail to do so in many cases). Churches have a responsibility to work with the justice system, not against it. When a man is arrested for domestic violence, pastors and other leaders have an opportunity to step up and offer support, counseling and resources WHILE that man is going through the legal process. Only by making sure that cases are documented within the legal system can those leaders help both the abuser and the victim.
Every 6 hours a female is killed after repeated abuse!
Being a Christian is not a pardon from societal justice. It simply means that when society’s justice system has done what it should within the law, the church has a unique chance to follow up with more training in anger management, counseling, and marital counseling if the woman so chooses.
Christian men are subject to the same influences and behaviors as their non-Christian counterparts. The church’s responsibility to domestic abusers is to provide accountability, Christian counseling, and retraining in the life Christ would have men to lead. We are not fighting a one-sided battle that affects only women. We are fighting a battle that affects families, congregations, and the whole Body of Christ. I encourage you to visit Pastor Thicklin’s site at www.destinybychoice.org and learn about his mission and ministry. Click on the “Programs” tab to learn about the assitance his organization gives to domestic abusers.
For more on Christians and domestic violence, read Psychological Domestic Violence.
Other 451Press blogs focusing on this issue this week are:
www.herdailynews.com
www.about-sanjoseca.com
www.homecomputertalk.com
www.earthlygarden.com
www.watchingbionicwoman.com
www.watchingbsg.com
www.limitededitionfoods.com
www1PStart.com
www.astrologyexplored.com
www.about-honoluluhi.com
www.parentingandreligion.com
www.maritaltalk.com
October 3rd, 2007 at 9:29 am
In my country women are victims of all kinds of domestic violence, young brides are burnt alive for the sake of dowry.
October 3rd, 2007 at 12:35 pm
I have noticed that there are more people in ministry that are speaking out about domestic violence, than ever- Yet there are still ministers who don’t take it as a serious threat against family. It is time for us to take a stand, together, that will enable families to be free of violence. That means being outspoken about proper behavior. Husband loving thier wives, as Christ loved the Church, laying their lives down in love- putting her needs first. True submission is an attitude that comes from being loved that way. I can obey without submitting, and I can be submissive without obeying. Being beaten would not make me more submissive. It would make me obey in fear. Not the same thing.
October 3rd, 2007 at 4:05 pm
[...] you care about the women being abused every [...]
November 15th, 2007 at 7:54 am
it’s very frightening to thinkn that yuor duty as a wife according to the bible means putting your physical and emotional health in harm’s way in situations like these. I think the church needs to stress that the authority of husbands in ephisians is supposed to be in corollation with God’s will and love,God’s will is never to do harm and His love never hurts.
December 17th, 2007 at 3:29 am
Thank-you for allowing the Lord to use you with the message about domestic abuse. My 3 childen and I know all too well how “blind” the church & many Christian families can be when it comes to facing the clear fact that Daddy being a minister or Pastor is an abusive, controlling or cruel man.
My ex-husband & I,(we separated the end of July after he sprained my arm & broke bones in my hand) actually Co-Pastored a few dynamic ministries from PA-NC-PA over a 14 year span of marriage. Many people were blessed at our churches & services to get deeper in the Lord because I truly believe in the word of God, fasting,rayer & giving God all the Glory! Sadly however, my husband always had issues with control, anger management and competition, even in the pulpit. I like Prophetess Bynum, kept it all quiet, no matter what we were going through in the home, believeing God would fix everything for us.
Born & raised in the charismatic church: I was taught to keep on paying, pray my man through and yet hold on to my marriage no matter what my children and I suffered! And boy did we suffer. He did not abuse us everyday BUT:the abusive actions & words grew more & more as each year passed.
Seeking help from our spiritual overseers, my husband could never admit to his actions. Thankfully, our Mother in the Lord was prophetic and could see some of his abuse in the spirit. She did all she could to help us before she passed. However, my husband is an extrememly storng personality who believes a wife should “submit to her husband in ALL things” (even if they are unrighteous!) He really needed deliverance & counseling but refused.
I’ve been a stay at home: homeschooling Mom for ALL of our marriage of 14 years since 8/21/93. Fighting lupus &fibromyalgia with R.A., my husband was with me for my diagnosis and has been our sole provider. Our children are bright, wonderful, energetic, precious souls with god hearts!
(ages 17, 13 & 12.) It’s so sad that he put us through so much with his demonic abuse. Saints: we really NEED your prayers.
I know I am not alone. Many need prayer. Abuse in the church, especially the “Bapticostal” church is truly ignored! Even though people can see the ravegaes of it, they desire to ignore it!
His own Mother was cried out to by our youngest daughter after a terrible night of abuse & she has yet to reach out to her. She is the head Church Mother of a 500plus member church reaching all nations in Charlotte, NC. and she still, will not reach out to her own Granddaughter in a search for trith & understanding. Not even to pray for us on the phone & seek God for the truth & deliverance of her son. That battitude is prevalent in pentecostal curcles.
In fact, it is characteristic of many in the Church. You can have the BRUISES & they will still look the other way!
GOD help us! PLEASE! SEND miracles & more to protect the innocent abused ones! In Jesus’ name!\
We need many miracles in this arena at this point but God has delivered us a couple so far:
Our 1st miracle came when my youngest daughter turned 12 years old. She cried out for help, protection & was forced by mistake after a car incident of abuse with her Dad to show her fear, bloody mouth and loose teeth after being punched by him at a Phila. 76ers game. A medic & 2 backstage MOthers had to help her. They also asked her “what happened to you?!!!” and she told them the truth: “my Dad punched me in the mouth!” (she was Jr. dancer/competition team member in Philly for halftime shows at age ages 11-12.)
If that had not happened, I’m not sure I would have had the strength to face how deep my husband * problem was.
It was the complete wake up call that I needed to face the fact that my beloved husband & * was getting worse with his rage & anger, not better. From March 2007 on, I could no longer blink at or look away from the effects of the punches, pushes, arm twisting, cruelties or the verbal degradations & lashings he gave to all of us. The Lord was giving me strength to protect our beautiful, well behaved children & to beg my husband to seek counseling & spiritual deliverance.
Sadly, my strong undeniable stance forced my husband to despise me. It made him seek comfort, lies, support & praise from sister *:(a woman that supported & was a part of my wonen’s ministry.) I couldn’t take his abuse, rage filled behavior or the bullying so I cried out for him to gp pray. see out overseer & change his ways! Instead, he would always leave us, finding adulterous soothing company & financial help in the arms of this wealthy ministry supporter/church sister. He would not admit to our injuries or seek help, confessing the truth.
He made the decision to run from his demons instead of face them, get delivered and confess. Knowing our church associates would not accept his new adulterous relationship & respect him as a minister, he slandered me & the children horribly. Telling people his adulteress woman was his “new wife” while we were still married (we srill are by the way) & cutting off ALL financial, medical. dental support of his children & myself.
(This is also abuse. - financial abuse)
We have been through soooooooooo much!
My children and I love him & keep him in our prayers but my son: *. reminds me weekly never to allow Daddy back into our home or family again because he is dangerous & abusive! He cannot fight him off when he rages. My son is actually small for his age (13) & frial because of a horrible spleen accident sledding in NC. He has been hurt & beat up by his Dad, many a day, for crazy reasons like: not [etting the dog or making jis Father food fast enough.
We really need your prayers so bad. I cry as I type this.
I still hope that one day, he can be delivered & come to repentance for the sake of peace with our children. Please pray for us. My children & I need much strength & God’s nod for our journey ahead which includes seeking a 3 year protection from abuse order. Please Pray that we will recieve the 3 year on Thursday, in Jesus’ name.
I just received a temporary order to protect us until Thursday because of his threats upon me. (He is trying to force me to sign for a “quickie divorce” so he can marry that the wealthy woman. His legacy business has been struggling & she has taken over the financial relam of it for him.)I told him to trust in the Lord. Calm down & wait on the Lord. God is in control. Those wrds made him furious last weekend! He retorted with several threats.
I hope you do not end up reading a newsflash where Mrs. Brenda * was killed by her estranged husband: *. If you do, allow this to reply to show you who did it. My”Christian” husband or his Father (same name) who wants me “out of the way a.s.a.p.” so he can “move on with his life and marry *, insuring his financial success gushin forth as mighty water.”
Please pray for my children and I.
Thank-you,
Pastor Brenda *
Comment edited to remove names. Although a screenshot has been preserved with the full text, names have been removed from the public comment to protect the parties and children involved.
March 6th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
You poor girl…I feel your pain. I know you wrote that months ago…I hope since then some of this situation has resolved itself. I will def pray for you and your family. I agree it is a prob in the church that needs to be addressed more fervently, and not just when there appears to be a problem, b/c so often the problem is masked and noone even knows it is happening. Hang in there, God is not done with you. He has a plan for your life. You are doing the right thing.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
I’m 41 years old, mildly learning and developmentally disabled, and live at home with my parents because I need living assistance and can’t work, learn to drive, or live on my own. And while I have a very close relationship with my mother, my father is an inconsiderate control freak who thinks he can boss us around and strip us of our rights just because he is the head of our household. He is also emotionally and verbally abusive, plus he used to spank me out of anger and sexually abuse me when I was a child. As a result of all of this, I am still a virgin, and I refuse to get married and/or become sexually involved with men because I can no longer trust men. My attitude towards them is negative and beyond repair. Even as a Christian, I am angry all the time, and I feel betrayed by the fact that, when my dad spent time in prison and became a Christian, he promised me he would change and be a better husband and father. Instead, he remained good to us until one month after he was released and came home, then went back to his old ways. I want to forgive him for his betrayal of trust, but I’m not sure how, or if I ever will. And because of his sexual abuse of me, which was off and on from the time I was five until three months after my 28th birthday (I’ve lived with my parents all my life), I’ve only just recently overcome homosexual lust and tendencies (my dad used to encourage me to lust after other women, plus he used to keep Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler magazines stashed away in a box in our den closet when I was ten years old and older). He doesn’t keep these magazines or watch pornographic films anymore, and I no longer want to be a lesbian. The good news is, despite the tension and my effort in learning to get along with my dad, I will soon be moving in with a close friend of mine and her husband, both of whom are Christian and wonderful, compassionate people. I am looking forward to this transition mostly to get away from my dad, since he and I are too much alike and will never have a decent, loving relationship, but also because I’ve lived with both parents all my life, and I think they could use the break as much as I do. Your prayers will be greatly appreciated. Thank you, and God bless!
January 7th, 2010 at 8:22 am
Keep up the fantastic work! Look forward to reading more from you in the future. I think it will be also nice if you add “send to email” tool so people can forward the articles to their friends easily.